Baby Parade

Because the Kings Among Men who are patching and painting our house are still (yes, still) trudging bravely onward, Simon and I will again be going back to Nonna and Papa's. The poor little guy was crawling down the hallway last night, and halfway to his destination I realized that the floor is still lightly coated with plaster dust. I grabbed him up and saw his entire front dusted with white. There was a lot of screaming in our house last night. Because there was no clean spot for him to safely explore. I'm not a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination, but when my child starts looking like a mime, the game is over. Sandra Bernhard once said, "I have no time for mime." I agree. Also, how f***ing healthy is it to breathe this dust? Every day there's a new f***ing deposit of the stuff. I don't have time to mop down every inch of floor every few hours. Simon's in the pull-up-on-everything-and-possibly-fall-over stage right now.

Sidebar: Who do I think I'm fooling with this "f***" crap? Why don't I just follow convention and go with "f*ck"? I don't know. Okay, you talked me into it. "F*ck" it is.

So, Simon will be carted to my parents' house and back home for awhile. It's a 30-minute drive and Simon hates being locked in his carseat for that long. So, I try to drive only at nap times so he can sleep most of the way. Simon only naps twice a day, once around noon and again around 5 p.m. This limits my travel options. He also only naps for 35-to-55 minutes at a time, which limits travel to a 30-mile radius. Unless I want to hear constant screaming. I don't. I need to come home tomorrow for awhile, so I'm planning that for his first nap, around noon. Then I'll go back to my parents' house during his second nap. Heads will f*cking (see?) roll if Simon changes his napping habits. I guess only one head will actually roll, and it will be mine. What if Simon decides he only wants one nap tomorrow? I'll be trapped at home. This ever-dusty hellhole of a home.